And the Winner IS...

Oscars tonight! Unfortunately, the winner is no one. There are so many things to write about the last couple of weeks and I’ve been pretty slack – and unfortunately for me, I picked up that slack today and so did everyone else. With the weather being so nice lately, everyone feeling summer and can’t wait for it to finally arrive. There is no winner this week because of this week’s cultural topic:

HURRY UP AND WAIT

The other day, I threw on the shades, cranked the tunes and drove all the way home with the car window down. Yup, just an average week in subtropical Calgary, AB. WHAT?! Thanks to Chinooks, Calgary gets the intermittent taste of springtime all winter long. A good thing? You’d better believe it. But I’ll complain about it anyway.

Q: But wait, Kai, what the hell does nice weather have anything to do with waiting?

A: Why do you think people get fat in the winter? Why don’t you see as many people walking around outside when it’s really cold out? Why don’t people go to the mountains when the weather is forecast cloudy, miserable and unpleasant? Simple: They all stay inside.

To avoid going outside, people must stay INSIDE. Thus when they are inside, they are NOT OUTSIDE. What this means is that when it’s nice, people DO go outside. When people leave their houses (or their rented houses/apartments/igloos) the OUTSIDE is BUSIER. And busier is bad for business…unless you’re talking about a non-figurative business in which case more business generally means more bottom line profits. Okay, that was a stupid thing to write, but I hate having to wait in line.

The biggest problem for me is that no matter how far ahead you plan there will always be someone else further ahead than you. Even if you get to the ski hill nice and early, there’s no guarantee you will be the first on the lift. If you get to the store, there’s no guarantee you will have the best parking stall. And in real life, just because you’ve been at a company the longest, doesn’t mean you’ll have the highest (or highest paying) position…though they all help. HOWEVER, if you get to the ski hill late, you will NOT be the first on the hill. If you get to the store an hour before closing you will NOT have a full selection of inventory to choose from. And if you arrive early at work and work diligently at your job…you may still be overlooked. Operations Managers all over the world are constantly figuring out ways to “alleviate the bottleneck”. Hey, Operations Managers - Bottleneck this! Get rid of people who get in my way of doing things efficiently.

There are some things, obvioulsy, that you can control in the little realm we'll call "waiting around" and, equally, some you cannot. And of course, as I do for most things that trouble me, I blame THIS epidemic on stupid people.

CAN CONTROL:
You can control what time you wake up in the morning.
You can control when you drive like a stupid moron.
You can control if you are lazy and just take the stairs two flights instead.
You can control how much time you do doing unproductive activities.
You can control how you react to stupid people.

CANNOT CONTROL:
You cannot control that sometimes the gondola will break down.
You cannot control that sometimes there will be an accident on the way to work.
You cannot control when the elevator will break down.
You cannot control the weather.
You cannot control stupid people around you.

The concept of hurry up and wait was initially formally introduced to me in a customs line up to reenter England at London Gatwick airport approximately one year ago as I was flying back Carnavale in Venice with some friends. This was also the same weekend that a group of girls said “We don’t have an accent!” – but they were stupid…and in front of me in line – but that’s neither here nor there. Bottom line is: if the cold weather could just continue long enough for me to finish all my chores, shopping and make it so that people are unmotivated enough to NOT make me wait in line, I would be able to make more time to write my blog…which would be great. So HURRY and STOP BEING SO STUPID SOMETIMES! Or take your time – you’ll probably have to wait anyway.

The Power of non-Sense

It has recently come to my attention that I actually have readers again. In the year I was away, I would have been lucky to claim I had 5 regular readers. Nowadays, it’s impossible to know how many I have; educated guesses suggest we’re up to around 8. which, turns out, is more than can be said about most TV shows these days. This week’s cultural topic is:

FANATICISM

When you think of fanactics, what is the first thing that pops into mind? I’ve thought up a few but in the interest of keeping this thing interactive, if you think of any others, leave your mark in the comments section.


Sports

With the conclusion of this weekend’s NFL Pro-Bowl, American football is officially over for the season. Of course, no one actually cares about the pro-bowl, but with the devastating conclusion to last week’s historical Superbowl, it leaves us with nothing to watch on Sundays. So why do people care so much about sports? Professional sports bring communities together. Of course, there are always a few who decided to piss us all off and cheer for the bad-guys, like as if you can live in Calgary, where you also grew up, and end up truly liking the unsuccessful Edmonton Oilers. 1980s dynasty-schmynasty. But that’s exactly my point. That last sentence (now two sentences ago) was an outburst of trash-talking, which periodically will erupt between to passionate sports fans. You’ll probably never hear people yelling at the top of their lungs about a golfer missing a putt, or a tennis player not returning a volley, but even the biathlon amateurs have fans out there somewhere. International sporting becomes the most passionate, because fans are now not only supporting their favorite team, are also united in supporting their country.

People get superstitious about sporting events, dress up in funny clothing, put their life savings into games they have no control over, etc. The thing people have to realise however is that sports entertainment is just that; it’s entertainment. So you may get together with your friends three days a week to watch your team hoping they win, and in a way the game schedule will also dictate your social schedule, but if everyone could finally realise that when your team loses it is not the end of the world; that would be great. Thanks. Remember: There’s no shame in second place…unless the Oilers are ahead of you.


Music

Obviously, like in any other aspect in life, people have preferences, and whether they were acquired or whether they are ingrained genetically, different types of music appeal to different types of people. For the most part, people stick to their bases and enjoy similar artists or genres and may have offshoots, but the fact of the matter is anyone who tells you they like every kind of music is lying. Tolerance is a different story. But as they have historically, social movements and social trends are associated with music, be it protest music, psychedelic hippy music, or the current emo-punk movement. No one is going to be able to participate, as much as they might want to, in every single movement associated with every single music genre. Traditionally a rock-boy, I didn’t used to be a fan of country music, but then turned 18 and ended up a few nights at the late, great Cowboys Nightclub for some drinking and the twang became something I couldn’t be without. Then again, once in a while a specific band that you really dislike for whatever reason, say because they are the epitome of emo-rock – which I hate, comes along and comes out with a song that is universally appealing, and rather than immediately changing the radio station you have a lapse of good judgment and momentarily let your guard down just long enough for the tolerable musical stylings to enter into your world and during downtimes at work you find yourself clicking to youtube to listen to the song on your command, ie. MCR – Teenagers. Blech.


Television

This Film Writers Guild strike is becoming huge pain in my ass. Nothing new to talk about and no new quotable material on TV, I’m running on empty. Of course, I have no control over this, and don’t honestly know a lot about it, but the bottom line is this: Without new television, fans who week by week anxiously await their favorite network television programming are slowing finding interests in other activities and in the meantime are becoming more and more disconnected from pop-culture. People have to keep up with other things, like politics, or sports, or reality TV, or worse of all, reruns. Certain talk shows, namely late night talk shows, have convinced their staff to cross the picket lines and are actually paying out of their own pockets, (pockets most likely being a network-subsidized pocket), just so that they can give their fans fresh material. And who’s to blame? Well if you’re counting, you can definitely put this one on the union. These days you rarely hear “Hey, did you watch that new [insert show name] last night?”. And I miss it. Networks have resorted to an emergence of pilot shows – shows which have never otherwise been aired because they are lame and honestly, if there are no sports on, I’d sooner read a book than veg on the couch. Of course, video games are also played on the TV and are actually becoming really neat and sophisticated. Along with that comes online gaming and the whole idea of playing with people around the world is pretty dang cool. But even on the nerdiest of all gaming sites, you won’t be able to hear anyone talking about last week’s episode new Heroes… Basically, if video killed the radio star, unions killed the video. Unions also killed freewill, and capitalism, but that’s a subject probably better left for a different day.

Overall, whether examining all types of fanatics, be they emo-goths or union workers, everybody just wants to feel like they are a part of something. That something could be it as huge as a social revolution or as minute as two people in a friendship. People want to know that there are other like-minded people around them, whether that’s a preference for a certain television show, a sports team, or just sharing a taste in music. It’s amazing to think about millions of people all watching the same sporting event like the FIFA World Cup, or how a legendary recording artist like Paul McCartney can get 300 000 people together for a free show in Rome with one day’s notice.

But that’s the power of fanaticism. Good marketing helps too.

Curing Stupid

Fact is, I would like to write about something happy, and nice, and be all bubbly about it, but something has come over me and straight up, I'm just frustrated with the overall situation. Snapshot: I wish I actually liked getting out of bed when the forecast high is -50C in the wind, but truth be told, I don't. So sue me. This long-time-coming-post's cultural topic is:



WINTER

In southern Alberta, we are blessed with a weather phenomenon known as "Chinook". These pacific winds travel over the Rocky Mountains depositing heaps of luscious and skiable snow in the beautiful, majestic Rocky Mountains. This week, however, the Chinook had it out for us. As a Northerly weather system came down into our fair prairies, the Chinook failed to make its necessary appearance. With great power comes great responsibility and unfortunately for anyone having to endure it, which great cold comes great pain in the ass factor. This week's post will be broken down (as are most peoples' cars) into subsections that will be condensed rants and will just get a lot of my chest.

DISCLAIMER: MAY BE FAIRLY INSULTING TO SOME, WEAK HEARTED READERS MAY CHOOSE NOT TO READ THE FOLLOWING SECTION.

Starting your car

Everybody knows that when it's cold you're supposed to plug in your car...if you want it to start. Maybe it's a subconscious thing, but people who need to, never do and the ones you plan properly end up being the ones who don't get stranded when the temperatures drop. It's called common sense (topic for a different day) and it shouldn't be taken lightly. Background info: Canadian cars are designed with what they call a "block heater" which heats the antifreeze/coolant in your engine "block". When the antifreeze is heated to above outside temperatures, the starter is able to turn over the engine more easily and thus, "start" the car. In order to engage the block heater, an electrical unit, the car must be connected to an electrical source, namely an electrical outlet, usually in the wall of your house or garage. So, connect the wall outlet to your car using an extension cord or if it is easier, plug the car's electrical cord directly into the wall. This will facilitate the starting of your car and prevent you having to call in sick or late to your job and will also ensure the prolonged life of your car and it's engine. The Number One Biggest Tip for making sure your car starts when you need it to: don't be a dumb-ass moron.

Shoveling the walk

If you own/rent/lease/squat/live somewhere with a sidewalk, as a citizen of earth, shoveling your walk is something you will have to do. If YOU don’t want to do it you can pay some kid down the street, or your roommate/partner/spouse/child, or maybe a “snow angel” aka. neighbour can do it, but it’s an inevitable fact of living where it snows. Number one reason old people have heart-attacks in the winter? Shoveling snow. So why do old people try to do it? Maybe it has to do with trying to feel young, or feel active, or maybe they’re just good people and that’s what good people do…they shovel their sidewalk. Afterall, people have to WALK on the sidewalk, otherwise they might just be called side-cement, or side-road if only small non-motorized vehicles were allowed on it, or sidecrawl or siderun if you were allowed to go on it but you weren’t allowed to walk so you either had to stay motionless or be on all-fours or be running or probably at least jogging (might be pronounced yogging…soft J). If you want to buy a snowblower that’s fine too…just get it done before it turns to ice. Ice is dangerous for old ladies. But old ladies won’t walk outside when it’s blowing wind and the day’s high is -50C. So yeah, you should do it, but don’t do it if frostbite is imminent and you will otherwise not make it to work on time. Tip: create a happy medium between inconsiderate jerk and good Samaritan. Save the old ladies.

Idiot drivers

“Honey, it’s cold out today – make sure you drive like a bigger retard than you normally do!” Hey, idiot drivers: This section is for you! And if you learn anything in this paragraph take it with you for the rest of the year as well. DON’T DRIVE LIKE A TOTAL MORON AND YOU WON’T CRASH YOUR CAR! Makes sense, doesn’t it? I don’t understand why people turn stupid when snow falls on the ground. Drive a little slower if you have to, but nothing in the world pisses me off more than when my commute into work is 3 times as long as normal just because I’ve been in traffic because some chromosomal defective person decides not to merge properly and suddenly the 80km/h flow has to slow to STOPPED. I am really passionate about this topic and my dangerous road rage potential goes up a notch pretty much every rush hour I drive in. People often joke about testing bad parents before they are able to conceive children. Well, I’m not joking when I talk about testing people for bloody common sense before they are allowed out of the house. The worst part about driving is that it can reduce IQ scores of perfectly normal, smart people by (guestimation) more than 60 points, putting even the brightest of geniuses into the mentally handicapped zones…which, sorry to say, doesn’t mean they are allowed to park in handicapped, or even worse, take up two large stalls at the same time. But unfortunately for many, bad driving can’t be blamed solely on the weather; I blame stupid.


I’d like to excuse most of my written deficiencies on typos, but some are just because you have a stupid lapse. I spelled the word “extension” wrong a few paragraphs ago and the No. 2 suggestion was “extent ion”. When anyone would need to write about ion extents, I don’t know. Maybe the writers of MS Word can discuss it with scientists who are currently looking for a cure for stupid. I suspect they’ll eventually find one…when hell freezes over.

Word up

I’ve been on a roll lately hearing from people I used to hear from all the time. I guess it helps being on or around a computer 8 hours a day at work and then having the option to have another 4 hours in the evening. I came to realise quite early on in the history of this blog that I don’t and probably won’t ever have a really big fan base, which I suppose is fine and I guess since I’ve been not - not in Canada I’ve been pretty lazy in the whole blog posting thing. I’ve mostly concentrated on getting caught up with people I haven’t yet seen and as each week goes by I’ve gradually knocked a few off. This week’s cultural topic is:


RANTING

I can’t actually find a real definition for ranting, and that’s fine too, because I think the biggest thing there is to understand about ranting is that ranting comes form the heart, and when you’re heart’s not it in, there’s nothing to rant about.

I've been inspired a couple of times in the last little while about something to write but when I actually sit down to write something I just can't think about what it was I was inspired by. Do I have some sort of dementia? I don't think so. But I just can’t put my finger on it. I find myself sometimes mixing up simple English words with French ones, even though my native language is English. And even right now as I’m writing this, I’m kind of wondering where it might actually take me. Ranting turns into rambling and rambling just may not make sense.

I have to admit it, lately I haven’t been very good with the blog but that goes without saying. Hockey’s been on, football has taken over my Sundays and any rants I do come in the form of email or Facebook. I really like personal rants, but at the same time, there’s something gratifying about knowing that no one will read what you have to say but anyone could if they wanted to.

I never used to understand people who worked in offices all day and complained about always being on the computer blah blah blah and because of that didn’t want to work on computers on their own time at home. This is bunk. Sure, you sit at a desk all day, maybe you get up to get a coffee or hang out at the water cooler and of course you’ll have your time at lunch, but there is a HUGE difference between home computer and work computer. Like what? How about the liberty to do whatever you want whenever you want at home. Yeah, that’s a stupid thing to say, but that’s the point. Rants don’t have to make sense.

Blogging gives people like me the chance to put our ideas public. I think I have a pretty good format and if I weren’t me and I knew me or didn’t know me, I might think I might stop and take some time to read it. While I was away, I treated my blog like some sort of channel to entertain myself, maybe my friends, and I wrote as though I was writing an actual article and I created strict yet fake deadlines for myself to meet.

The thing is, you look at semi-celebrities, like Andy Rooney who has made a living ranting about stupid things. A couple of weeks ago I watched his rant which comes at the end of CBS’s 60 Minutes where he went on for 2 minutes about people carrying bags. Now, having said that, he IS really good at talking about something that doesn’t matter. Somehow, in that segment, he was able to incorporate street interviews with people who take books to work with them and somehow managed to accuse them all of reading on the job and wasting company time and money. That’s incredible.

Of course, most stand up comics talk about things that don’t really matter, observations if you will. Jerry Seinfeld pretty much dominated the observation realm in the 1990s, but it’s a comical fad that seems to be spreading. Most recently comics have put a spin on producing t-shirts or women drivers or being a man who doesn’t like working out. And they can all be funny. Of course, humour is a topic that can be discussed some other day, but the thing that I really hate hearing about from comics is them complaining about their wives or their kids or household pains. I don’t like it mostly because I can’t relate to it so for that reason it’s not funny. Seinfeld has now actually morphed into this type of show now and that’s fine too, because everyone grows up eventually, even adults.

As I’m writing this I’m contemplating not publishing it at all, because there’s no real reason for anyone to actually read it…that’s how much continuity it has in it. But that’s the point of ranting about ranting. Ranting doesn’t actually need make sense and if it DID make sense then it wouldn’t be ranting, it would be a well-planned writing. But that’s a rant for a different day…

Could have talked about it

Well, over the past few weeks, a few major things have happened that greatly influence the way I conduct my day to day life. First off, I got back to Canada, which put an end to my international wandering. Second, I searched for and shortly after got a job. Third, I reinstalled non-free television in the place where I live. This week's cultural topic is:

NORMALCY

Now, things are seemingly pretty normal in my life these days. But what is normal? I'm not really sure. Could be mobility; could be stationary. I could probably go on for a while about how great it is to be re-situated, get back to the things I grew up with, how glad I am to be back in Calgary with all of my friends and parents and how I love to drive my gas-guzzling sport utility vehicle with optional four wheel drive...just in case.

I could talk about routine and or earning money, or dressing nice for work every day, or how much I've already learned in just a short period of time, or how great my new workmates seem to be after hanging out with them for a week, or how my job is going to take me off-site soon and which I won't necessarily be hanging out with them all day in a few weeks, or how even though I thought I did really really poorly, I scored "Proficient" in most of the tests I took after I was hired even though normal people would have had to take them before they were even considered.

I could talk about my plans for the weekend or maybe how nice the weather has been, even though it really hasn't been that nice and even though I love snow, how I'm glad it's not dumping snow because it already gets dark early enough in the evening and we don't need anymore winter darkness, or how I hate the fact that we had to put the clocks back one week later this year which didn't give me an extra hour or sleep on the halloween-night-out night that I would have been, under normal circumstances/in any other year past, the most beneficial extra hour of sleep one could possibly ask for, but you can't change the past and you can't really blame anyone for that - except the Bush administration, who were the ones who changed it.

Or, I could just cut to the case and bring it all back around. This post has really only one point to make, and by point I mean rhetorical question to ask anyone who locks their laptops in one spot and never moves it feel stupid, which isn't to say that you can't have a normal/regular spot to put it on, like a desk or a table or something and if you don't, you might as well just get a desktop, but seriously:

What the hell good is a laptop if you never put it on your lap?

Idiots.