Oxy-Moron

“Hey, what’s happening?”
“Good…dammit. I mean, not much.”

This week, my newest series Things That Don’t Make Sense continues. It’s been already a couple of weeks since I last posted and to be honest, get off my back about it. There’s obviously no pleasing everyone. Some people suggest I write more often, some asking for more detailed posts, some commenting that they are consistently too long. This week’s cultural topic is:

COUNTERACTIONS

I know I’ve talked about healthy eating before, but a couple of weeks ago I ordered a taxi. When the driver arrived at my house, the passenger seat was literally COVERED in bottles of water. Naturally, (to avoid taxi driver turrets – ask if you have no idea what this is) I said “Hey man, that’s a lot of water.” This taxi driver (obviously an immigrant) explained, after a long-winded story, that he was ‘saving his kidneys’. “What does that even mean?” I asked. Apparently you need to save your kidneys for when you’re old and if you drink cola, coffee, alcohol, etc, your kidneys will be weak for when you are older, which is why he only ever drank water. I believe that without practice, your kidneys will not be reactive once you DO actually need them. So even though I don’t have any scientific evidence to back this claim, but I don’t think that makes sense.

FACT: I originally had the title of this post being “Checks and Counter-Balances”, and there’s actually no real reason for me to divulge this piece of information. In fact, that fact is in and of itself something that doesn’t make sense.

I’m not going to lie and say I’m perfect – no matter how well I pretend. I do some of these counteracting things day in and day out and those who know me can vouch while you read on. But here is a short list of counteractions that make absolutely no sense and require virtually no further explanation:

- Going for a nice long run, then going for all-you-can-eat (sushi, tacos, fish & chips, etc…) to the point of not being able to walk straight.
- Smoking…but especially if lighting up while walking out of the gym.
- Ordering junk/fast food combo meal with large fries, an extra sandwich, and chicken nuggets…with a diet drink.
- Ramping up for a cleansing diet by eating fried chicken and potato chips.
- De-tox diets. Ever. Period.

Of course, I would like to elaborate on a few things, but I just don’t think it would really add to anything. For the record, “Jumbo Shrimp” is not a real oxymoron.

In an attempt to satisfy all potential readers, I tried not to stray too far on this one. BUT, if you think I missed something, PLEASE post a comment. That’s simple. If you can’t handle that I don’t manage to write every single week, you may want to consider some new hobbies. Moreover, if you find that the posts are too long, I guess you can just stop reading when you’ve had enough, but I just don’t think that would make much sense.

Don’t Carry a Cold in Your Pocket

Over the last few posts, I will admit, I’ve been pretty angry sounding, maybe not so fun, and perhaps pretty annoying. It’s just – sometimes – things really frustrate me…for no reason. So anyway, for the next little bit I’ll just pure rant, if that’s alright with you folks. This week's cultural topic is PART ONE of a new series featuring Things That Don’t Make Sense:

HANDERCHIEFS

Normally when I’m trying to think of something to write about (and I’ll admit that sometimes I don’t write that well) I just try to write everything down in point form and then just fill in the blanks, kind of like mad-libs only less funny, less “reader directed” and more writer-controlled.

I don’t understand handkerchiefs. I mean, obviously I understand why they EXIST (historically, anyway) but I don’t understand why people still USE them. They invented Kleenex (facial tissue) with the exact goal of outlawing handkerchiefs, but for some reason they were only so successful.

FACT: Kleenex was trademarked in 1924 and by the 1930s the company was basically leading the single-use, paper-based facial tissue and has continued to maintain itself as an industry leader. Better than ever, Kleenex provided a non-reusable alternative to the handkerchief. But that’s not all there is to know about blowing your nose.

I know guys always look after they’ve blown their nose, and it’s not just me – ALL guys do it. I’ve always wondered if girls look. Guys know what boogers look like. You name it: phlegm boogers, allergy boogers, running nose, bloody nose, post bloody nose, straight up snot. But

Boogers aside, it’s not that fact that you carry around a snot covered cloth all day and use it over and over and will likely end up redistributing and recycling mucus back onto your nose or face that bothers me. What bothers me is the fact that you then take that same cloth and mix it in with all of your laundry. You know when do laundry and it smells so nice afterwards and then you caress it on your cheek and snuggle up to it like you would if you saw that little laundry teddy bear thing from the ads in real life? Well if you have a handkerchief, you can kiss that dream goodbye. Not even the greatest combination of fabric softeners in the world (liquid, gels, dryer balls, sheets, reusable dryer cloths…you name it) could make your clothes comfortable again. Stone washed jeans of comfortable, but they ain’t got nothin’ on snot. Washing your clothes in snot is like upgrading your thumbtack covered chair to one that is made out of thorns – it just doesn’t make sense.

When we were kids everyone used to just rub their nose on their sweater sleeve or something and if it was summer, maybe you could just use your hand and it would dry off because it was hot or because you were a kid you were probably about to go running through the sprinkler in the yard and you never really actually needed a shower or bath because you just did fun things that cleaned you off and you didn’t understand why pooping in the pool was bad – but it was just funny…as long as it wasn’t you who actually did it. But then you grow up. And when you grow up you more or less understand science. So when you aren’t actually clean, you will at least you should be.

I realise that it’s mostly older people using handkerchiefs, maybe middle aged at the youngest. I understand the convenience of constantly having a nose-wipe at your ready disposal, perhaps in your breast pocket, maybe simply in your trouser pocket. But I think the revolution has begun - actually, it began nearly one hundred years ago. I just don’t understand why or how you can. You want to be healthy? You want to be clean? Environmentalists can complain about unnecessary waste all they like…but even they use Kleenex. After all, why would you want to carry around your cold when you could just throw it away?

Unbelievable - or Not.

“I feel for you, but that feeling is nausea.”
- Charlie, to Allan - from a show I used to hate but now find myself watching fairly often

So if you had asked me on the weekend what I was going to write about, I would have told you with an extremely high level of confidence that this week’s post would be about the Alberta election, or could have broadened the topic and discussed how stupid provincial politics can be and voter apathy and Alberta PC dominance for the last 37 years…but that would be boring. This week’s cultural topic is:

STRESS

As poised, calm, confident and well-spoken as Ed Stelmach normally is, you’d better believe he was biting his nails when the polls closed at 8:00pm on Monday.

Of course, if you know Alberta politics, you’ll understand that, of course, I’m being a little facetious. BUT, low and behold, once again, Alberta opted BLUE and the Progressive Conservative Party of Alberta won another overwhelming number of seats to secure another term as majority leaders, beating the next closest adversary by 26% of the Popular Vote, or a margin of 63 seats. 72-9-2-0-0. That was the final score. If you think any politician any how involved anywhere in Alberta was NOT even SLIGHTLY stressed out on election day, you might be right; I don’t know ever politician. But they probably were.

Now, I’m no psychologist (hell, I never even took a single psychology class in university), but I can read. Stress is medically understood as a discrepancy in perception of person-environment interaction. So whether there is actually a different level of outside pressure or not, it is personal perception that actually makes the difference between a person who is stressed out or a person who is not.

Too lazy to write an entire paragraph explaining.
So, RESULTS OF STRESS AND THEIR NICKNAMES:
Stress-case. Whack-job. Mental. Couk. Crazy. Hysterical. Irrational. [Insert other synonym for person who is stressed out].

Yeah, but I think most people are pretty familiar with what stress is. We all get stressed. (I’m worried (but not stressed) about how lame this filler paragraph is probably going to be.) I get stressed by really stupid useless things but don’t typically let normally stressful things get to me. I think it’s because I’m a procrastinator by nature. And you all know what stresses me out; I’ve talked about them over the last month and a half: traffic, stupid people, stupid people in traffic, etc. And now that I actually think about, traffic actually just pisses the hell out of me more than it does stress me out, and I guess since there are no real long term effects of stress from sitting in traffic, (unless maybe you are in traffic at a really inopportune time like having to get to a super important meeting that if you miss you will also lose your job and you really like your job so the last thing you want is to lose it over the fact that people don’t know how to drive or merge or be smart)…so I don’t really get stressed about traffic itself. What stresses me is the fact that I have no control over the fact that other people just-don’t-get it. But I shouldn’t worry about that, because it’s impossible to control everyone. Hell, even Stelmach’s Conservatives only control 52% of the voters.
Zen is the opposite of stress. I used to think I was pretty zen, but I was wrong and that just pissed me off, which for obvious reasons is why I am clearly NOT zen, though I’d like a zen fountain for my house.

Most people hate getting mail, most often because its bills, or notices, or due date this or due date that. Lately it’s been tax forms: T4 this, T5 that, notice of assessment this, or RRSPs that. You still have almost two months to file. It’s nice writing these blog posts kind of whenever I want instead of how I used to have a set day I would normally post…not that I was ever REALLY stressed when I missed it. If you owe tax, that sucks. If you’re about to get some back, that’s great. But don’t worry. After all, even though it came in the mail, the last thing we want is someone going all postal.