Hops, barley and multiculturalism

I’ve realized that even though the English may be behind in a few technological aspects, (a) cheap and imported cars, b) soft and pressurized water, and c) that if you keep your pubs open past 11, people will drink more and you will make more money…etc) they actually DO have a few things figured out.

Silly things that make sense: People in England walk on the left side of the sidewalk, but stand on the right side of an escalator; People are courteous enough to let other people disembark the train before they start piling on; Sales tax is included in the price and nobody tips service staff; people (or at least most guys) don’t wash their hands after using the toilet (even though I do); but the brightest thing the English have figured out brings us to this week’s “English Cultural Topic of the Week”:

Food

Britons were just recently put near the top of the list of overweight Europeans, lead only by the Germans and Italians, which means they are definitely doing SOMETHING right!

I would like to affirm (if that’s a word - as in reaffirm, but without the “re”, since it’s the first time it’s been mentioned) that there is no doubt that food here, (although many Brits would disagree) is no better than anywhere else in the world. Fish & Chips, Bangers & Mash, Chicken/Mince Meat/Worcester pie…all deep-fried, unsatisfying, and/or unhealthy. In other words: rubbish. I’ll be so bold as to say that the only good thing to come out of England is beer, and even then, most are just derivatives (or direct imports) of Irish Cream Ales or Belgian Pilsners…those limey bastards. Curry – which was stolen from the Indians – is probably the most creative dish an average English person will have ever learned how to cook , eaten, or let alone heard of.

I’ve taken to eating a certain “Meal Deal A” at a certain “Sam’s Chicken” fast food chain, where you get two fried chicken burgers and two packs for fries (yes, these ones are called fries, not chips) for a great deal. Four out of five days, this is my daily calorie intake. I understand it is unhealthy, but I’m poor; so step off.

It seems that the whole idea of consuming “something” is obesely over-rated (no pun intended), whether it’s food, car fuel (petrol), clothing, or simply bottled water. This week, for the first time in my life, I was actually called 'anti-social' for not being a smoker.

You can get mostly any kind of food here, as long as you want to pay for it. Last week we went for Thai food, which was pretty much spot on, but in the end cost about 20 times as much as it would have for half as much as if we were actually in Thailand.

Things I miss but never thought I would even slightly care about: Ichiban, Kraft dinner, microwave popcorn and Clamato. I suppose it’s the ease that I miss most about these things. Afterall, real tops microwave popcorn 9 times out of 10, but as far as Caesars are concerned, a Caesar isn’t a Caesar without the crisp tang of clam! (If you have no idea what Clamato is, go to Canada and try it mixed with vodka, Tabasco and Worchester, add a pickled green bean or a stick of celery and you’re in the mix!)

I ate at Burger King the other day. Thank you. Thank you very much. But no, that’s not the point. In Canada, a whopper meal (which is absolutely delicious) costs probably around $5-6, depending of course on what side you get and whether you want cheese, or single/double/triple, etc. The point is, here for a single whopper meal (no cheese), you’re looking at no less than 4.50 pounds (that’s over $9.50!). I didn’t think I would EVER in my life pay close to $10 for a fast food burger meal, but as my new motto states: “if it’s not the saturated fat that kills you, the exchange rate sure will!”

For the economists in the crowd, the Big Mac principle definitely applies here in England, but for those who are more interested in flavour, get this: Coca-Cola and McDonalds both taste pretty much the same as they do at home. Officially, there is really no true way to absolutely determine whether they are EXACTLY the same, but I guarantee that if you took a fry from a London McDonalds and flew back to Calgary, ordered fries and then did a taste test, Calgary’s would taste better.
On the flipside, if you then took the fry from Calgary, then came back to London, I guarantee the one from London would taste better. I suppose a nine hour flight will make any fry gross. All in all, if memory serves me correctly, a Big Mac’s a Big Mac, no matter where an immigrant or teenager makes it!

I was asked a number of times this week what Canada’s typical national food would be. Stupidly, I said steak (because I'm from the western prairies), but after more consideration, I suppose the best answer would be maple syrup – even though maple trees only grow in the east.

When it comes down to it, Canadians, just like the British, have pretty much perfected the multicultural thing, and in so doing, have done something most other countries haven’t been able to: eat delicious foods that aren’t our own. But let’s get serious. Who cares what you can create yourself as long as you can get it somewhere else for cheaper?