Better than a burn

'Everybody feels better in a tan'

Bonjour, or that's what they'd have you believe anyway. Today is rainy...it's supposed to be sunny in beach towns, no? Otherwise no one would live there. Currently in the french surf town of Biarritz, livin' it up in the cloudy, windy, though surprisingly pleasant beach town mentality. Less than a week ago, we came from a different coastal town, though it is port town, so beaches were not quite as nice. La Rochelle boasted what we would call an excellent base tan, if not a burn, and now I'm just waiting for the last of my back to fall off (as well as the sun to start shining in Biarritz before I can get back to my favorite look. This week's cultural topic is:

TANNING

Tans, like most anything else, come in varying degrees. In education, you can get a high school diploma, a bachelor's degree, master's degree or PhD. In tanning, it's kind of the same, only with tans, the degree is the degree of attractiveness that is held in a certain kind of tan.

The Farmer's tan. This is probably the most common type of tan, since most people don't get the chance to actually take off their t-shirt in the sun, and unfortunately, many that do probably shouldn't. But admittedly, farmer's tan is probably better than no tan at all. The tan ends mid-upper arm and looks alright until you wear a shirt that has short sleeves. Then, you're the laughing stalk of the town.

Beater tan. The more politically correct name for this tan would be atheletic vest tan. If you aren't going to have a proper full tan you might as well have this one. Full arm coverage, as well as shoulder and neck and upper chest, you can wear virtually any shirt and fool even the best of us into thinking you're fully covered. It's the white stomach and back that doesn't look too appealing. But definitely one step up from the farmer type.

Shorts tan. For girls, this may also be the equivalent to a bikini tan, covering just about as much as decently possible without actually going in the buff. Nice coverage everywhere on the body except for parts below the belt, and may actually be blinding when the shorts come off, but you live with it because you feel good and look even better.

And then there's the tan's arch nemesis: The burn. The burn always happens so suddenly and it always happens to the people who think they're invincible (like me), but obviously aren't. But the burn is just a real bitch. The worst part about it is the itchy feeling that comes about 4 days later. Day 1: You burn, it hurst. Day 2: it's tender, but it's not red anymore. Day 3: the burn starts to change colour to a more tanned looking brown, and thoughts like 'maybe I'll be alright afterall' come to mind. Then Day 4: it happens. And it hurts. The next few days are alright, but you just don't want to walk around without a top on because it's going to look pretty crappy...all peeling-like.

Of course, just like university degrees, you can get both REAL and FAKE tans. Real ones, obviously, can look a little funny, probably don't have completely even colour, maybe a little white triangle under your chin or something like that, maybe on your chest it'll be a little whiter, just because the sun always comes from the top...not the bottom, but the clearest way to distinguish a real tan from a fake one is once you get your knickers off. WHITE. Unless, you don't have naturally light coloured skin, in which case it will be whatever colour that is naturally...the point is it'll be a lighter shade than the rest of your body.

Just for good measure, here are the best parts about being tanned. You feel better. Your skin feels smoother. Muscles? What are muscles - you have a tan! Reaching out for something and noticing that you have tanned hands is probably the best part about being tanned, but that's probably an entire post in itself. The best part of the tan, though? Knowing that you've spent your time and money wisely.

You ever been on vacation and someone in your group says something like 'looks like the bad weather followed us here'? And you just want to hit them, because what are the chances that out of the 6 billion people in the world the bad weather just decided to follow YOU? Well, maybe it would be easier if the bad weather just never showed up in the first place; that way we could all just be happier in our tans.